Fixing crazy, difficult or challenging people or relationships is a distortion of a several good gifts- peacemaking, the gift of mercy and the gift of healing. The Bible says- Blessed are merciful for they will obtain mercy. However- when you are a Fixer- you are trapped working on a person or problem where you have no authority to make a change.
When people around us who are making bad choices you may feel- that you can help them to overcome- what appears to us - to be simple solutions. Get anger management….Go to church….Go into recovery. We see the problems and then we jump in- with a seemingly good motive of “helping.”
Fixers are gifted and full of love, mercy and patience but can be easily deceived by their strong desires to see change. In a marriage or dating relationship- this dynamic is not only foolish, but harmful. Fixers often find themselves disrespected, taken for granted and even abused.
You may be drawn to help, change and fix spouses or dating partners without their consent. Therefore, you are by definition, the stronger partner and not engaging with an “equal yoke.” This puts them in the role of nurse, doctor, teacher or repairman.
Not very romantic is it? Worse, the longer you stay in this misguided role, the more problems do manifest, so you are actually trapped in a situation that only gets worse.
Dear loving heart, God wants you to be free!
You can spend your entire life- as a Fixer….bringing or dragging him to counseling for years or decades. He will give in just enough to keep you hooked into the relationship- but does not change at the core. HE DOES NOT WANT TO. Change requires a strong internal motivation. Without the internal desire to change- no one will. It is painful to address past wounds and humbling to admit sin and pride. Many people will keep wearing the fig leaves- because they work. You are still there. They are still given all of the benefits of the fake life and fig leaves WITHOUT true heart change. There are some people who can be a white- washed fence and it’s all of the purity they wish for.
God wants us to love Him with all of our hearts- and He wishes for this love to go deeply into all of our heart. He wants His children to love Him and serve Him authentically and out of a pure motive- not merely to be seen at church or to satisfy the church going wife.
If a person wants healing or wants God…they will be internally motivated to seek this. Without you. This is the honest truth. Jesus said that only those who are worthy of Him will follow Him, even leaving important things behind. That type of devotion can not be faked. (Luke 9:60-61)
I have a friend who used to say “ Man have conquered nations!” Meaning- does he really need MY help? If he wanted that thing….wouldn’t he go after it?
Once the Holy Spirit showed me a powerful truth- If this person is resisting me- (the Holy Spirit) will they listen to you?
Fixing, healing, helping and teaching a person who hurts you, confuses you or brings a toxic relationship dynamic to your life is a DECEPTION of the enemy. It is not your lane. Helping dangerous people is an adaptive strategy to cope with abuse. A child learns to be useful and helpful so that the dangerous person will give, maybe not love, but at least hurt them less. It’s very sad but true.
You can waste decades on this lie- but it doesn’t bring forth the fruit of true repentance and true Holy Spirit led heart change. Additionally, you may be dealing with a hardened heart that is empowered by spirits of rebellion, witchcraft, rejection, abuse and control. That’s too much for you and way out of your lane. Jesus wants to first mend your wounded heart, dear fixer, and pour more of that love with wisdom, into you. He has given everyone a yes or a no, to the Holy Spirit. So why not say “yes” today to His new path for you.
It will be different and scary. You will need to dig into identity in Christ, sonship and unconditional love. You don’t need to DO for others in order to be loved by them- this is a trap. Because once you stop giving, a taker, will not step up. They will simply do what they have always done. Nothing.
Dear giver, today Jesus wants to lovingly, gently and with no condemnation, release you from these heavy burdens and lies. He loves your loved one even more than you do. Turn your eyes off of the person who needs help and ask Holy Spirit what other assignments He has for you in this season. Let Him renew your strength, joy, peace and hope.
And don’t carry any burdens, God has not designed for you to bear.
That’s His job.